Growing up without a father is like music to someone born deaf\u2014you just don\u2019t know what you\u2019re missing. I\u2019m not whining. I had two uncles, a grandpa, and a grand-uncle who did their best to fill the role. And I didn\u2019t even notice what was missing & the look on other people faces with pitifulness until I had Isaac.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The look, security, joy, and confidence in his face. Every time I play with him, stand by him, and even fight back for him against his strict mother, his face lights up. I didn\u2019t even know what that was until now. It was like a system that never noticed missing core functions, looking at the kernel every day and asking, “What the fuck is wrong with this?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I haven\u2019t spoken to my uncles or grand-uncle in more than a decade, and I\u2019m pretty sure I never will again. It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t appreciate their role in my life. But the system was fucked from the core. In a child’s life, there\u2019s a need for connection\u2014a belief that they can tell that person anything, no matter how terrible or unbelievable it is. I used to have that with my mother until the night everything happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’ll never forget an electronics brand called Konka. Toshiba, LG, Sharp\u2014those are recognizable in Myanmar, but back in the ’90s and early 2000s, Konka was a strange brand. Things like that, you mostly forget along the way. But I remember the night that TV showed up at my house because my mother was starting a business. The rest is how I became someone who can\u2019t sleep without meds like a normal human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyway, since that time, the road has been pretty hard. It got harder when she remarried. The man wasn\u2019t necessarily a bad guy, just another stranger my mom decided to share everything with, and the connection was broken. The monster see an opening and she came every night, put my hand between her legs, and poked me with thousands of needles. No one would have believed me\u2014they would’ve just thought I was a pervert\u2014so I kept it all inside and found the fix. It started with allergy medicine, then stealing strips of Diazepam from my grandma’s cabinet. When you’re passed out, you don\u2019t have to live through the monster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Those who did their best really did, but some things are just irreplaceable, and they were surprised to see the monster I had become. I remember one night\u2014it was during my last few days before I left them forever\u2014I was high, couldn\u2019t even speak well. Just Diazepam mixed with amitriptyline. My great-uncle looked at me with disgust for the monster I\u2019d turned into, talking about my addiction. I wanted to beat the shit out of him and tell him where it all started just to shut him up, but instead, I took some more pills and went to sleep. A few days later, I left all of them and left a mess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve been sober (still on a small amount of legally prescribed antidepressants and other medications because I still have no idea how to sleep like a normal human being) for five years, starting the day I found out about little Isaac. I decided to clean myself up. And these blogs aren\u2019t for everyone; I couldn\u2019t give a fuck about everyone reading them. I\u2019m trying to hang on for as long as I can for little Isaac, but a shit ton of drugs a day couldn\u2019t keep my kidneys alive for long.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So when I\u2019m gone, and when the world tells him what a monster I was and that it\u2019s in the genes like everyone said to me before, I just want him to read these words and know I wasn\u2019t born like this. I wasn\u2019t born a monster, and it\u2019s not in his genes\u2014not in his blood. I was created by the other monsters. And I want him to know how much I love him when I\u2019m not there to tell him that anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s all, and you all can fuck off.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Growing up without a father is like music to someone born deaf\u2014you just don\u2019t know what you\u2019re missing. I\u2019m not whining. I had two uncles, a grandpa, and a grand-uncle who did their best to fill the role. And I didn\u2019t even notice what was missing & the look on other people faces with pitifulness […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":248,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,12,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-247","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-all-blogs","category-letters-to-littlest-isaac","category-updates"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/247","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=247"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/247\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":249,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/247\/revisions\/249"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/248"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=247"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=247"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=247"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}