Today, my wife had a gynecologist appointment, so it was my job to take care of little Isaac. While I was showering him, I started thinking about the people who ever showered me as a kid. Not just that, so many things I do for my son, and I can\u2019t think of a single one that was ever done with my father.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I mean, yeah, the same old lines: \u201cThey all love you,\u201d \u201cHe\u2019s still your dad,\u201d \u201cYou owe your life to him,\u201d \u201cYou need to be forever grateful.\u201d All those voices from trivial human conventions. But despite all of that, the hatred just keeps growing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My son is a kid who\u2019s hard to love sometimes. I mean, his level of destruction, his temper, his inability to stay still for even a second, it\u2019s exhausting. But I still love him more than anything, and I can\u2019t seem to change that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A few days ago, at night, my wife suggested we get a maid and let Isaac stay with his grandma so we could relax and focus on our careers. That broke me into pieces. It led to a big fight, and I still have a migraine from that day. That\u2019s how much you can love your kid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I didn\u2019t think it was possible to love another human being that much, until the moment I held him for the first time. The love only grows. And with it, so does the hatred toward my father.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was just comparing my childhood, trying to make sure my son never feels what I felt. It\u2019s like a guideline for parenting. But it also makes the hatred grow. Every time I break a sweat to make ends meet for his necessities, the hatred grows.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wasn\u2019t like my son. I was smart, imaginative, a quiet kid who liked to sit down and zone out. Just opening a big cupboard full of my grandma\u2019s china could make me fall asleep. I never broke a glass. But even then, he abandoned me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That hatred isn\u2019t something I want to feel, but I don\u2019t have a choice. It\u2019s a weight I carry, my stone to lift, if I were Sisyphus. The abandonment, and my mother\u2019s resentment because I look like my father, formed a personality that likes to repeat sad scenes in movies. A complete masochist, literally. I know it\u2019s psychopathic, but I used to make tiny cuts on my fingers on purpose and dip them in ethyl alcohol just to feel the pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t need another psychological diagnosis\u2014I\u2019ve learned it all. My hatred toward myself makes me love others too much. And in the name of that love, the terror I\u2019ve committed to protect and provide for them is unthinkable. Whenever something bad happens to me, I think of all those terrors I\u2019ve done and accept that I deserve it. Then I face another day on the verge of suicide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s life, I guess. It\u2019s a bitch. And to keep on living, you have to keep lifting the stone over and over again. The struggle itself toward the height is enough to fill a man\u2019s heart, eh?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
That hatred isn\u2019t something I want to feel, but I don\u2019t have a choice. It\u2019s a weight I carry\u2014my stone to lift, if I were Sisyphus. The abandonment, and my mother\u2019s resentment because I look like my father, formed a personality that likes to repeat sad scenes in movies. A complete masochist…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":189,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,5,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-190","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-all-blogs","category-life101","category-updates"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/190","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=190"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/190\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":199,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/190\/revisions\/199"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/189"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=190"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=190"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.chesterfield.pw\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=190"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}